Remember in my last post I talked about relationships and I talked about the relationship with yourself? Well, that is what I am writing about today.
Let`s go way back in the day when I was much younger. I was skinny as a stick and funnily enough my nickname actually was “matchstick”.
Fast forward a few years and my sister kept telling me that me being so skinny is not going to last. Me being in my teen brain, of course, did NOT think much of it but sure enough as soon as I hit my 20`s there came the curves.
To be honest, I did embrace it at first.
Finally I had BOOBS! Being the youngest sister I was always quite envious towards my elder sisters.
Of course I did have moments of comparing myself to others, especially thanks to social media, but I didn`t really get that upset about it because, to be honest, my body was banging.
Fast forward a few years again and I started thinking about the day when I would have children of my own.
I always knew that I would give in to all of my pregnancy cravings which would probably lead me to become quite large while pregnant and having a 6 foot 6 husband would not help with having a small baby either.
I just thought: “Oh, after I give birth, the pounds will just fall of so easily!”.
Boy was I wrong.
The day when I found out that I was pregnant, must have been one of the happiest and scariest days of my life.
The first few months of pregnancy I felt HUGE even though, looking back at pictures now, I was tiny.
My pregnant belly did actually pop while on a family holiday in Iceland, which actually was pretty funny. Going on holiday one size, coming back another.
As the months went on the bump kept growing larger and larger, as it does when you have a baby inside. At the time, when taking my weekly bump pictures, I remember thinking how big the bump is getting and how incredible this is.
I wish that I could tell you that my whole pregnancy I felt sexy and confident with my new body but the truth is I felt so down about it the whole 9 months!
As someone who has struggled with body image issues that is quite understandable, but at the time when I was pregnant, I kept reading all of these posts from women who felt so empowered by their pregnant body, so amazed about the fact that they are creating a life inside of them.
Don`t get me wrong, creating a human being is insane and wonderful and beautiful, but why didn`t I feel proud of the body that was doing all of this?
In the first months I think my brain couldn`t fully understand what`s happening and I just kept seeing myself as getting fat. My poor husband kept reminding me everyday that I in fact am creating a life but as always, I didn`t listen to him.
It wasn`t until I felt the first flutters that somehow I was getting used to the fact of my changing body.
As the months went by I just gave in to the pregnancy and started to actually enjoy my bigger self. Wearing all of the skin tight dresses to accentuate the bump, giving in to my cravings and bonding with the bump, but after I gave birth to my beautiful baby daughter the reality of my again new body kicked in.
It kicked in hard.
I think I am too hard on myself – in fact, I have been told many times that I am, because not even a week after giving birth I had already started to hate my post pregnancy body.
One of the reasons for it, I believe, is that I like to compare myself to others just a bit too much.
Insta-moms, other women who have given birth, everyone just looks so damn good after giving birth. So why did I not look like everyone else?
First of all, every single woman is different. Period.
No two are the same, yet we compare ourselves to each other all the time.
Second, people are cruel.
Not everyone will understand what it is like to go through pregnancy and then everything that happens after.
For some weird reason I do understand all of these reasons yet I`m still so, so hard on myself.
My body has changed more than I would have ever expected.
Not only inside but out.
Yes, I have stretch marks, yes, I have loose skin – lots of it actually. Yes my back still hurts every single day, but do you know what? I also created a beautiful, smart, wonderful, full of joy and love little human being.
This being said I am totally NOT saying that I am okay with how I look now 4 months after giving birth, but I remind myself everyday to be a little bit kinder and take it slow, because if it took 9 months to cook a baby, it will take the same to cook your new sexy mama bod.
(Top left and bottom left pictures are me pre pregnancy, middle top and bottom, month 4 and month 5, picture on the very right, one month BEFORE I gave birth. Needless to say, my body went through a lot)